Going back home to my childhood city for the holidays is something I do with mixed feelings. If I pay attention to memories that make themselves known when I'm in these familiar surroundings, there's a certain level of discomfort accompanying the recollections. Somehow celebrating the holidays in this setting make me better recall what has been both in the near distant past as well as the further distant past. It's a summing up of how things were way back in time, what has been since I left this place and where I have gotten. The tone of the recollections during the holidays unfortunately tend to have a dreariness about them. Memories of a young girls hopes and dreams make themselves known again.....what is it with these familiar childhood surroundings that make the past become so alive.
In all fairness it's just the end of another year...nothing more.
Why is it then such a nostalgic time for some of us? Why do the reminders of our innocence dreams become so much more vivid.....and the reminders of Christmas pasts so much more current....? Is there a secret wish for a due over?
To what ever extent, could it be that these memories serve a purpose, good or bad, in our lives today beyond just being pure memories? Could it be that they...the memories that is....help distract us from being here and now in what is our lives at this present time? Maybe we unconsciously set a tone for the presence with dismal memories.
Maybe it's just old habits, inherited old patterns past down from generation to generation that we carefully nurture because....that's just what we do...? I have to say listening to holiday music doesn't make things easier...."I'll be home for Christmas.....if only in my dreams"
To have clarity in what actually is happening at this time and the acceptance of how it actually is what ever the feelings and facts are seems like a gift.
I'm not sure, but what I do know is that the time spent thinking about matters that bring me away from the here and now is....honestly a waist of time. Contemplation can always be good but that's not the kind of thinking I mean....it's the brooding over matters long overdue I'm referring to.
So I vow to myself to make a conscious effort to stay present what ever feelings come up in order for new and fresh memories to take place. To actually be present here and now makes me feel.....well, hopeful and alive actually. Certainly a good antidote for the holiday blues.